Thursday, June 22, 2006

why do white people always feel like they need to talk about race all the time? Especially when they're talking to black people? It's like, they're trying to prove that they are not racist or something by seeming to be able to talk about race openly. But i wonder if they know that they end up looking racist anyway, despite their effort. Because i mean, if race wasn't an issue to them, it wouldn't be a topic of discussion or on their minds all the damn time!!

One of my co-workers, who happens to be a white girl, just decided to plop her white ass on my desk this morning and spark up a conversation with me. For what? i don't know. But right off the bat, i mean the first thing out of her mouth was about how she has this "african-american" friend who used to talk to her as if she owed him something. She started talking about ancestry and all that okay!! and about how "they" need to just "get over it." I was just sitting there wondering, "why the hell are you telling me this?" I wanted to tell her that the term "African-American" really isn't politically correct, and that it wasn't a nice sugar coat either. Because all black people don't come from Africa. We ain't all from there, and haven't been for quite some time now. Like me, I'm a Jamaican-American, which don't have shit to do with Africa!!! That just shows how her/their contempt for us is. Trying to put us all in the same category, like we're all the same. Like we're all some different kind or something. I don't want to make it seem like i'm using her to represent all white people, but that just goes to show too how white people identify black people with Africa, which directly relates to slavery!!! It's 2006, maybe she's the one who need to "get over it"

It's like, calling us African-Americans, which we're all not, is a way to subconsciously remind us of those slavery days!! I'd rather be just a plane 'ole American. And if you MUST distinguish my ethnicity, you can say that i'm a black American, or a Jamaican-American, you know? Cuz i could identify with those terms, but i don't know shit about Africa. I'm just as facinated with true Africans and their cultures as the next person. My roots are in Jamaica though, not Africa.
Since she wanted to be all technical and shit, maybe i should've reminded her that ALL men, of ALL races ALL originate in Africa!!! So maybe she should be calling herself an African-American. Bitch!!!!

My blood ain't take her too well from jump st., but after that conversation, i really ain't feeling her, and now i know why!! I kept trying to change the subject too, but she's just so condescending , she just interrupted me. And kept on doing it!!! I wonder if she even noticed how rude she was being??? Probably not. So sad that in 2006, "subconscious racism", if there is such a thing, is still around. But maybe it's embedded in them through the generations, just like that "Willie Lynch" syndrome shit is embedded in us black folk. I guess we all have issues, just different ones, you know???......

Monday, June 19, 2006

well, that whole separation shit ain't last too long. TT left Sunday and was back by Monday evening. i actually came home and saw him there. i asked him what he was doing there and he said he wanted to talk, but then had the nerve to leave again, talking about he would be back!!! He did come back later on that night, and was conveniently playing with his son until like 11pm. i couldn't really say anything because i didn't want to be that baby-mother who didn't let him spend time with his child, you know? he put him to sleep and everything, and then tried to slide his black ass in my bed. we spoke, and to make a long story short, that was the end of the separation. everything was cool for a little while, but you know that that shit ain't last for too long. it's been different this time though, cuz i honestly stopped giving a shit. i've been trying to concentrate on my ownself. trying to get my shit together, you know. he's a grown ass man, and will do whatever it is he feels he wants to do, and there ain't nothing i could do about it.

i'm a grown ass woman too, and can do whatever it is i feel like doing, and i don't feel like spending time stressin' over him. i've decided that i'm not going to be a "victim" anymore. it's pathetic and rediculous, not to mention unproductive to sit around mopeing, all sorry for yourself, wishing that someone else was feeling your pain with you, or at least empathinzing with you. the point blank fact of the matter is: no one really gives a fuck about the shit you might be going through. even if they are the same ones who dug a hole and pushed you in it!!!!! they won't give a fuck if you can't breathe after they've thrown 100 pounds of dirt on your ass!!! they have their own shit their dealing with, and their own agenda. the way i see it is, you can sit there and beg for them to stop, or beg them to help you out while the don't respond, or you can pile that dirt up, make some steps, climb your ass out, and say "fuck you" on your way to the rest of your life. you know?!!!!

i've found out that you shouldn't have to compromise in a relationship. instead, there should be understanding, respect, and acceptance. you know??? and that's the attitude/mentality that i'm going to keep circling in my head. if he can't handle that, or don' t like the notion, too bad. he can get the steppin?.....you know?????............

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

well, my weekend didn't quite work out the way that i thought it would. i didn't go through any piece of mail. i didn't go down to the townhouse to pick up any current mail. and me and TT split the fuck up!!!! This negro calls himself getting a room down on Grand St!!!!! That was completely his will. i never told him to leave, or that i ain't want him around, or none of that. according to him, i pushed him away. i'm miserable, he's done with me and fed up, and i'm just too much for him!!! so he decided to leave. i surely ain't stop him.

he broke my mother's cell phone that she let me borrow. cracked that shit straight in half!! he needs to go to anger management or something. he was so dramatic with the whole thing too, like he always is. he left sunday morning, but left damn near all his shit behind, which i don't understand. but by sunday night he was calling me on some dumb shit, asking if he could come over to see our son!!! like i was going to say "no" or something. when he got there i was so anxious. i wanted to fuck him up, but i had to keep my composure, you know?! i tried to stay out of his eyeline and out of his way. telling myself that he came to see his son, not me. furthermore, nothing good would've come out of me and him being in the presence of one another. but before the night was over, he was in my bedroom talking about how he loves me. and asking if i knew how hard it was for him to leave!! asking me to look at him in his eyes and shit. talking about how he thought that i would've respected him more because he did what he did, which was leave!! Now, i know our definitions of respect differ, so i had NO clue what the fuck he meant by that one.

i wasn't up to having any type of discussion with him about anything, so i just sat there until he got the point. it seemed that he wanted to talk or something. maybe he wanted me to tell him how i was feeling, but i didn't fucking think so. i wasn't spilling none of my beans. "Let them show their hand first, then you make your move"--Jay-Z. he asked me if i respected him still, and if i was having fun without him? i ain't answer none of those questions either, i simply said, "no comment". then he asked if we were over. i nodded "yes" and said, "i thought that that's what you wanted!" he seemed like he wanted to cry about it, but i'm saying, this is a situation that he created. to me, it ain't even need to go this far. but "hypocrites always wanna play innocent. always wanna take it to the full out extent. never wanna face it when it's time for punishment..."--Lauryn Hill. Really, cuz he took it to a level that it ain't even have to go to. but now, he don't want to sleep in the bed he made. what kind of shit is that?!

it seems to me that he's kind of confused. Like he don't really know what he wants. i'm going to give him his space too, so that he can figure it out. right now i'm kind of bitter about the whole thing, but i still have a soft spot for him. but i know better than to act all irrational and shit cuz my emotions are out of control. to tell you the truth, i'm not even sure what i want either. cuz for the last past few weeks, he's been unbareable to me, and i've been secretly wishing that he would just get out of my life. but now that he has actually stepped, and it's only been 1 day, i miss him. i've thought about asking him to come back so that we could work it out, and i'd really love for that to happen, but after thinking about it more with my head instead of my heart, i've concluded that it's a little premature for all that.

i think we should definitely have this space apart from one another so that we can both figure out "where we want to be"--Donnell Jones. and what we want to do, you know? if we came back together now, nothing would have changed. no real lessons would have been learned, you know? it would be all peachy keen for a week or two, if that long, and then back to the same ole thing. i'm willing to work on it if he is. and i mean, really work on it. work hard for it too. start from scratch. block A1!!! Not that we've ever even left that block!!! Actually, it's like we skipped over all those necessary blocks and landed somewhere that we weren't ready to be. Maybe that's where we went wrong.

but anyway, he wants me to call him, and maybe i will tomorrow night or some other time. i think it's still to soon to be trying to patch shit up so....i'll just call to ask him how he's doing, and if he likes his room and to make sure he's all right. you know, shit like that. just to let him know that i do care a little still. i won't let him drag me into an argument or a conversation that i'm not ready to have, or no shit like that so..............

Friday, June 02, 2006

i'm not 100% sure what's going on, but my goodnes i'm so freakin' horny!!! it's bad!!!! my couchie is jumping and shit. and i keep seeing these images of me and TT engaged in some wild crazy animal type shit. Sweat, spit, hair pulling, bitting, grabing, pulling, moaning, groaning, all that!!!! Damn!!! Umph. i hope he ends up coming home early today so that he can be there already when i get home. There won't be any questions asked. I'm just going to jump on that. I don't want to hear a word come from his mouth, or see him do anything, cuz he'll probably turn me off. so he better just shut the fuck up, and let me do what i want!!!

Damn, i think that my mom is coming over today... But then again, that might make it all the more better. But who knows, maybe she won't show. Anyway. I know he's horny too, cuz last night he was watching the TV for mad long with his hands in his boxers. And early this morning, as hot as it was, he came crawling over to me hugging me up all tight and shit. So in know he's ready for something. Shit even if he ain't ready, he better get ready, cuz here i come!!!!! i usually don't have any issues getting him ready when i want anyway, so i know i'm gon' get what i came for. after that, he can do whatever the hell he wants. (He better not try to bust all quick and shit either, cuz that'll piss me off to no end.)

Saturday, May 27, 2006

SOMEONE IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING

alright, so i guess i'm going through this whole "reflective" stage or something. lately i just haven't been feeling like myself. i'm a strong believer that everything that is happening in one's life, positive or negative, is a direct or indirect cause of something that person is doing or has done, or the result of some choice that person made or didn't make. so whenever i start to feel like this, i always look at me first, to try to figure out where i may have went wrong.

i was reading up on my zodiac sign and found out a little something. okay, so i guess i'm a little insecure. but not insecure like i'm ready to commit suicide or no crazy shit like that. what i mean is that i'm never secure in the perception i give off. i think i let people's perception of me influence me too much. and being that i'm always dealing with different people, who have different perceptions, i'm never secure or grounded in one. MY perception, which is really the only one that should matter. i think i need to get in touch with myself and stop letting other people define me!!!! i mean, you should see how i get when someone says some off the wall shit about me that's not even the case. i get all emotional, and pitifull actually. and that's not an image that i want projected.

i'm so good at reading other people though. like, i've been noticing that TT is this uninhabited spirit, and that he needs to be let loose to do whatever he wants. my question is, does he know this?? cuz it's like whenever i say to him that maybe he needs to just go his own way and do his own thing, he's like, "no, i'm not going to leave my family," and "i ain't going no where, this is exactly where i want to be." which may be the case, but maybe just not for right now. cuz technically, he has already left his family cuz he ain't never around. and he can't really want to be with us if he's always somewhere else, you know. i really don't want to have to sit around and wait for TT to get "in touch with himself" either. it seems like it was obvious from jump street what i wanted, cuz he sold me all this bullshit in the beginning that had me all head over heals and shit. but time reveals all. and his true inner side is coming out now.

i mean, i'm a flesh and blood woman and i want someone who has me on their mind at least 55% of the time. i don't have to be the main focus, or no crazy shit like that, but let me pop in your head a few times during the day. i surely don't want my man to be under my ass neither, cuz i do like my space as well, but i refuse to be forgotten and left on the back burner. i guess i'm clingy like that (not a fault). but that's going to be my focus for the next week or so: getting in tune with my own self so that i'm not giving out the wrong or mixed messages.....

Friday, May 19, 2006

men. they are some different kind of creatures boy. but as a woman, i guess i gotta love 'em. TT and i have been kind of rocky this past week, and it's mainly because i'm all hormonal and feeling neglected. i explained to him last weekend that he can't be going to hang out with the guys EVERY night, leaving me and BB in the house until all hours of the night. i'm talking 10, 11, 12 o'clock at night is when he decides to stroll on in the house. that's just unacceptable when you have a pregnant wife and a 7 month old son. not to mention the fact that he's with his boys ALL DAY at work!!! it's like, when do I get some time and attention? i was trippin' about it for a while, having an attitude, sulking, and feeling sorry for myself, but you know that that ain't last for too long.

i wrote him a letter yesterday in an attempt to clear the air. i explained how i was feeling and why i was feeling that way. that i still loved him and that i don't want us to go down this path again. arguing, not talking to each other, no affection, shit like that. i told him that i won't be expecting anything from him anylonger. at least that way, i won't get disappointed, you know? and that i also won't be tolerating bullshit behavior like how's he's been behaving lately. so he can do whatever he wants, cuz he is grown, but he should be able to deal with the consequences of his actions too. cuz someone else can get his quality time if he don't want it, you know? after he read my letter he said that I don't understand where he's coming from. which may very well be the case. so i said, "okay, are you going to explain to me where you're coming from?" trying to open the gates of communication you know? but he never said anything, never wrote anything back, and i wasn't about to sweat him, chasing him down, begging for him to communicate with me. he never said anything else about the letter or how he felt, so i left it at that. he did tell me that he was going over to his boy's house, though, and had the nerve to ask to borrow my car!!!! i told him very calmly that he couldn't borrow my car. he could go to his boy's house and leave me lonely again if he wanted to, but i wasn't gon help him do it!!! Negro Please!!!! and can you believe that he actually had the nerve to cop an attitude!!! i wasn't hardly caring though. he said someting about, that' how stuff start, or that something's about to start. but i wasn't caring about that either. if he wants to start something with me that's his business. I ain't getting into nothing with him though. none of that shit can even phase me. i'm on some different, grown and sexy type shit right now. and don't have time for games that involve him throwing a temper tantrum whenever he can't get his way. Please!! he needs to get his own whip. cuz he ain't helping me pay for mine, or putting no money into the maintainance of it. all he does is put $10 of gas in there every now and then. not hardly on a regular basis. and he ends up burning the gas out anyway, running around in my shit!!!! like he even has a license. he needs to get his own whip. and stop acting like my shit is our shit, cuz it ain't!! maybe it could be if he was contributing a little, but he ain't so that's how that goes!!

he left at like 8:30 and came back in at like 10:30-10:45. and he ain't say a word to me!!! and i ain't really have nothing to say either, so that was that. i ain't have no hard feelings, so why did he?? Please!!! this morning was the same shit. i got ready for work and said good-bye but got no response. so i guess he ain't talking to me. whatever his reason is, he ain't telling me. and i ain't gon ask him again to explain to me his point of view so... he can sit there and sulk and be bitchy all he wants. that's his business. i don't care. all i know is i'm going to the movies tonight to see "the de vinci code". and if i have to go by myself, i will. it ain't no thang. i would ask TT but he ain't talking to me so.... too bad his loss.......

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Man!!! Talk about someone waking up on the wrong side of the bed. I don't quite know what happened, but things just haven't been running smoothly this morning. I don't want to sound all whiny, cuz i know that there are way worse things happening in the world other than my little mishaps, but come on.......First of all, last night i finally stop procrastinating and built up the gusto to take some time out to finally do my taxes. yeah, i know that it's the absolute last minute, but i've been so busy. any free time i get, i try to utilize it as down time. but anyway, so i'm searching all over the damn place for my W-2 forms, and can you believe that i couldn't find them shits!!!!!! i was so through!!!! i even left and went to my mother's house to see if maybe i left them there since i still get mail at her place, but they weren't there either. i mean i looked up and down, side to side, in and out, all over!!! even in places that i knew they wouldn't be, but nada. not a thing. then my roomate pissed me off, talking about, "don't worry, i'll find them for you tomorrow!!!" i could have went off, but i knew that it really wouldn't have been productive. (especially since he was the one who assured me that he saw the folder with my W-2 forms in it. ) but i mean, what was he thinking? did he think that his lame promise was going to make me feel better? my mother always told me that "a promise is a comfort to a fool", and it's the truth, cuz i would have had to have been an idiot to be comforted by that promise. especially because i'd already looked everywhere in the house and had him helping me!!!! so what exactly was going to be different tomorrow? are they going to magically appear out of nowhere? please.....i got up this morning with that on my mind, b/c i'm not trying to mess around with the irs, they're serious. and i'm seriously broke right now and need that money, no matter how little it may be. (i hope it's a nice piece of change though.) but anyway, i called my 2005 employers and requested a copy of my W-2's. Now, I just hope that I get them before saturday, cuz I don't know what I would do if I missed the April 15th deadline. Pray for me ya'll.